Relationship Rules #2
- Respect,
respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so
that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is
essential to a good relationship.
- View yourselves as a team,
which means you are two unique individuals bringing different
perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your
differences.
- Know how to manage differences; it's the key to
success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships.
Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are
the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people.
Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
- If you
don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it
and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.
- Solve
problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes
wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners
to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or
enemies.
- Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer
rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so
that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good
will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time,
and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and
renegotiated all the time.
- Listen, truly listen, to your
partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time,
just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it
opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
- Work
hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In
its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good
relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained
through regular attention.
- Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future
together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure
you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
