Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.
It's
clear from the many letters I get that lots of folks have no idea what a
healthy relationship even looks like. Because I care about these
things, and care about the environments children grow in, I'm using this
space as an attempt to remedy the problem—again.
From many
sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of
relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start.
Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won't test
you on them—but life will.
- Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
- Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
- Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
- Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger
at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness
cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
